Back to School

Originally published in The Comic’s Log.

👋 Hello, people who thought they despised Severance because season 1 ended on a cliffhanger, only to find out that what they thought was the season finale was really the penultimate episode. [Me.] And hello, people who have to apologize to Ben Stiller and the whole Severance team because they’ve told a lot of people that they liked “all of season 1 and 2 except the final 10 seconds of season 1 which was the worst 10 seconds ever written in all of TV ever” and now have to eat so much crow. [Also me.] 🤦🏻‍♂️

A few weeks ago Wiff and I were at Georgetown University, where she had been invited to speak about feminism and romance novels. There were more than 50 students in attendance in a room built to hold 30, so many that the organizers removed the back wall and extended the seating into the hallway, as far back as the opposite wall. My inner husband was proud, but my inner fire marshal was worried.

The host, a professor in Georgetown's Women's Center and my wife's college roommate and bridesmaid, began the event by giving a brief overview of the Women's Center and its theme for Women's History Month, and then moved on to important topics, like the location of the snacks and the free tote bags. Then she told us where the bathrooms were located, and that, next to them, we’d find the sensory room. She may have said more, but all I could think was What the hell's a sensory room?

The two student moderators leading the Q&A started asking their questions. I tried to listen. But I was distracted. As an actor and audio/visual tech nerd, I needed to know why Lauren was holding her microphone transmitter in her hands. I considered interrupting the event to tell her to clip it to her pants, but as the only male at an event discussing feminism in a university’s Women’s Center, I thought, Better not. I learned later that she had to hold the transmitter because the sound guy said he could attach it to the back of her pants but, after taking one look at her form-fitting leggings, blushed, and said, "or not."

I don't fault the kid. He's in college. He may not know how to initiate micking someone, let alone a woman. Even in the real world, new sound guys are hesitant to touch a man, lest it seem handsy, and scared to touch a woman, lest it seem illegal. Experienced sound guys know it's okay to invade an actor's personal space. They'll tell the man, "I need to get in there" as they unzip his pants, and the woman, "I need to attach this to your bra strap; would you like to do it?" Ten times out of ten, the actress will just whip up her shirt. She's gotta get to set, and he's gotta make sure she can be heard. They both know it's not skeevy.

But that comes with experience. And that's the point of college. It's not real life. Nothing matters. It's a safe place to screw up. College football is fun to watch because the athletes aren't pros. Their motto should be "more turnovers, less domestic abuse." Every missed catch is an opportunity to learn. So is every mis-micked speaker.

That's not to say college is easy. It's not and it shouldn't be. Aristotle said the roots of education were bitter, but the fruit sweet. Oenophiles say that wine is better when the vines are stressed. I don't know what any of that means, but I do know that when you get thrown into in a pressure cooker like college, you come out the other end changed. Smarter? Hopefully. Wider? Unfortunately. But also more confident, better able to handle deadlines, and, for this sound guy, with the experience to walk onto a real set, for a real commercial, and mic up a real actor so he can earn real money.

But if you're just going to college just to get a job, you're missing the point. You go to college to become a better and more interesting person, who, because hiring managers are lazy, gets a better job. To them, a degree is just proof that you stuck with something for four years, or, if you're an athlete, nine.

My advice, while I’m on my giant soapbox, is to study the humanities, political science, history, economics. And the sciences, physics, biology, engineering. Learn how to write. Learn how to think. Don't waste your time on Communications, or that educational mirage, Business. Universities have schools of arts and science to shape better humans, and schools of business to be able to afford to have schools of arts and sciences. As one business school teacher told me, "you can always fall back on business."

Despite Wiff having to hold her transmitter, this was the best author Q&A she’s ever attended. The students were gracious. They were inquisitive. Each question started with "thanks for coming" and ended with a thoughtful inquiry. One student even used the phrase "vis-à-vis." I kept thinking, These kids are amazing! and What is vis-à-vis? Everyone seemed eager, curious, and energized. Some of that is due to youthful exuberance or recent caffeination, but also a thirst for knowledge.

I came away from this event reminded that that thirst, thankfully, isn't only quenched on a college campus. Anyone who didn't or couldn't go to college, or worse, got a degree in Business, can continue their education in the real world. Which is welcome news to me, because even though I was fortunate enough to go to college—and thank god I only minored in Business—I feel like I squandered my education by not studying harder. So I left Georgetown inspired to recreate the college experience in my adult life. I want to read more. I want to learn more. I want to do more kegstands. And I want answers to the big questions in life, like what the hell's a sensory room?